Just Between Me and You

I'm fucking sick and tired of this bullshit. I am sick of the lies, I am sick of feeling so gross, empty and alone. I hate the way I feel, the way I look the way I act because of my lack of motivation, my failures. I can't stand looking in the mirror to see who I am. No amount of makeup, hairspray, or clothes will make me feel good. Nothing but being thin. I just want to be so unbelievably thin that it hurts. I am sick of purging, but crave it. I despise fasting but I need it. Without it who am I other then just another human being? I have no control over my life.... but this.
I want people to tell me how thin I am and to tell me i am too thin I need to float in my clothes, I need my hipbones to scratch against my dresser as I walk by, I want the bruises from lack of nutrition. I crave all of these obscene obsessions and I don’t want to hide it anymore. I want to be faint and frail. I need my stomach to growl being heard a mile away. I want the pain inside to feel as though my whole insides will cave. I want to look as though I am tired and dead, pale as a ghost. I want people to notice how much I have changed. Feel concerned. I want to dance around naked without a care in the world. I need to feel the water rush from my eyes as I purge, I must listen to myself gag constantly as I pray to god it will just all go away....
Why can't I just be aware that this happens to me. This is me already, and I need to stop...I can't control what I do, but I can control what I eat/drink. Isn;t that all that matters? I look in the mirror as a fat obses sick child...I want it to go away, but I don't want it to go away. It's an addiction...a fucking addiction.

Fasting tuesday-Friday
( Read more... )

Ok, I am done with this crap.
I was doing my detox cleanse, then stopped, because I hate having a schedule, and I am glad I did this to realize I am not a schedule type of person. I do eat my way or no way..
Since sundday night:
-Monday had nothing.
-Tuesday I had a 6inch sub and grape fruit
-Wednesday(today) agh, low fat blueberry muffin, pasta salad, bread with sauce, shrimp( purged at this point), and then greek salad and a bread stick. Fuck me. I walked for an hour, and im going to run for ever now.
Back to square one tomorrow, but atleast I am not gaining...still, I need more self control.
Lately though, I find that I am just really on this. It has to do with the guy I am getting feelings for, and its wierd that I strive harder when I want something. For instance, I want this guy, but I wont even let myself try until I am at my stgw.
I want to OD on laxatives again, but then I wont be able to go to school( you know the deal)
I really hate me.

Day 2

Laugh up your storm now, because who finished there fast at 29 hours...me! PATHETIC. I only had a 6inch veggie sub, at subway, because I was killer dizzy after having a ciggerette. On the upside, it was onlt a sub of 280 calories. Not a big deal, just got right back on track. I also walked until the 300 calories were gone, and did a trillion situps.

I took 3 laxatives tonight to get rid of the subway, and still nothing! Ok, so I will wait for another two hours, and if not then ...i dont know. I took them really late ..I know I will be woken up this time. *sigh*

Nothing else to update accpet that my tounge is starting to get that wierd glossy affect. Is the toxins getting pushed out already??
->jen

Day 1

Well what can I say really, I'm starving to death, and all I want to do is eat the remander of the spinich pizza from last night! On the up side, I feel damn good.I haven't ate a thing and I am just about finished my 60 oz of lemonade. I took the laxatives at 3:30 and still nothing. I just hope this little mishap doesn't awaken me through the night! -yuck.
11 day fast is ridiculous for me. Usually I will restrict hard care, but no food period is damn hard. So far so good though. I will be complaining by the third day. Apparentely after the 5th day of this detox you don't crave anything at all, other then the drink its self...hmmm
night dolls<3

Ok, so the Master Detox cleanse starts tomorrow!
I went out and bought 6 lemons, and 8 grape fruit.

I mixed a 60 oz pitcher of water with:
-12 tbs of fresh squeezed lemons
-10 tbs of pure maple syrup
-2 tsp of Cianne pepper

Basics
1 Drink the 60oz of detox cleanse a day (that is going to be a lot of lemonds!!)
2Have my grape fruit at supper- cant eat it! Must drink the juices from it.
3I will walk 30 minutes a night on the treadmill.
4 Take "Smooth Move" --Seena Leaf Laxative before bed.

Do this for 11 days.
I thought I would do it over LJ to recieve support through this proccess. I am nervous but sooo pumped to do it.

15 pounds in 11 days is fabulous, and I know I will gain half that back, which isn't a big deal, because I really want to get rid of all the shit in my body.
~I'll keep you posted<3

Qucik update.
I move today, we are in hotels for 3 days, so there wont be any internet. I should be back soon. Everyone behave! I cant wait for our new home.
xoxo~rroxy

I am in such a christmas shopping mood. The only down side is that I end up buying stuff for just me. I think I may be a little selfish..no? It isn't like I mean too. It is just easier to buy for myself haha, I'm pathetic.
We move this monday, and then I will able to x-mas splurge!
My pants are starting to feel lose, but I am a chicken shit when weighing myself. I can't...I wont! As long as my clothes continue to get lose, there is no point on using a scale.

Here is some really neat pictures of Dulce&Gabbana models. Like I said in previous posts, the models -girls especially- look so cold and empty. Exactly the way I feel, minus the emotions...or lack of.
~rroxy
ps- I seriously need to start updating more, agh.


( and the perfection of my frailty has been questioned and broken )

In thirty days exactly, my parents are getting the keys to our new house. I am nervous only because I haven't moved in 10 years. Same house, same atmosphere, same neighbors. Everything is just the same. On the other hand, it is time for a new chapter in my life. There is so much I would love to accomplish but I haven’t figured out what should come first. Or, what is most important. This eating disorder I talk about makes me wonder sometimes…for instance I have three main things I would love to target.
1) My Disordered self 2) My family 3) Anxiety/Depression

Don't get me wrong, I am ecstatic to move, but this family I live with isn't the mode it used to be. I have distorted and my family has changed toward me. I am labeled as the rebellious teenager from two years ago, and they wont let it go. All they know is my failures, my mood swings, and my cold, merciless self.
What they don’t know is how I truly feel. I am seriously a mess beyond words, and I keep getting the urge to smoke, to cut...to go back to the way it used to be. Why even attempt when I am already labeled? I shouldn’t have to prove it to them. I am just on the edge.

I scare myself; I never used to be this way. I have driven my friends away, and clearly my family. I have nothing left but myself. Which is nothing special, considering I hate who I am, and my self-image. I wish I could just float away, toward the sun, the clouds, up and far away from all the worst and just disappear...far, far away.
Rroxy

Hey,
Decided to make a new journal. My old one is still on the run, but I am really thinking about shutting it down completely. Three years of bullshit and randomness, but I still cant seem to press delete! *sigh*
So I have been completely anti social lately. Which is weird for me, especially since I am the first one to the party and the last one out. But I have been dying of this crazy sickness, and I dont want to move the covers from my head. Plus, laying in bed all day is clearly the best option for me. I love my bed, and me inn it.
I got Hydroxycut last week. I plan to start them tomorrow. I am such a Diet pill junkie. I hear great things about Hydrox' and I have looked up a load of information on it. Plus some of the girls told me they work wonders. Hmmm, I will have to see it for myself.
Quickie update for me. This is kinda wierd having no journals, or updates, seeing as its a new one. Might be for the best anyways...
-Roxy xo